Jokes, Jokes and More Jokes

[Isaac-Saxxon]

Originally Posted by AnimeSpirit

Heh! Admin got him again.

Anime ! I think he smells the same no matter where he goes so I am sure he will try again no matter no one would post to such a utter fool anyway.

[piemaker720]

22 Things To Never Say To A Cop


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

[piemaker720]

A Fishing Lure


A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one.

[piemaker720]

Drunk Driving Test


A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer.

Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".

Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air".

Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test."

Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".

Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".

Man: "Can't do that either."

Officer: "Why not?"

Man: "Because I'm dead drunk!

[piemaker720]

Driving with Penguins

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dumb Robber

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

[Isaac-Saxxon]

Subject: SANDALS





A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace, looking at the wide assortment of goods, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent say,

"Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So, the couple walked in.

The shopkeeper said, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals upon hearing the claims, but her husband felt he really didn't need them.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on dee wrong feet, Mon, you got dem on dee wrong feet!"

[piemaker720]

Cop Stories


Good: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

Best: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.