Jokes, Jokes and More Jokes

[rhertz]

This is a really old joke for Al and Latenight…


An old woodsman came down from the hills into town to get his old buck saw sharpened at the hardware store. While he was waiting, the salesman at the hardware store asked the old woodsman to check out one of their new chain saws. The old woodsman was skeptical. Why do I need a new chain saw? My old buck saw serves me well. The salesman promised that it would take 1 hour to cut a cord of wood with the chain saw instead of 8 hours with his old buck saw. Sold! The woodsman bought the new chain saw and took it back home.

The next day the woodsman re-enters the store and asks to return the chain saw for his money back. “Why”, asked the salesman. Well, said the woodman, the chainsaw was faster like you said. It only took me 6 hours to cut a cord of wood instead of 8. But I like my old buck saw better. So I want my money back.

The salesman couldn’t believe this. Surely something was wrong with the chainsaw for it to take so long to cut a cord of wood. So he grabbed the chainsaw to see what the problem was, and the salesman gave the cord a big yank. The chainsaw rev’ed up! Vrrrrrrooommmm!

The woodsman yelled, “What’s that noise??!!”

[howela]

Little Johnny was playing in the house when he asked grandma how old she was. "Go outside and play,You DON'T ask a lady how old she is" replies ma.
"Well tell me how much you weigh" asks Johnny. "Go outside and play,You DON'T ask a lady how much she weighs" replies ma.
"Well at least tell me why Grandpa left you" asks Johnny.
"Go outside and play and quit asking so many personal questions" says granny.
On the way outside Johnny sees grandma's purse and gets her drivers license.

"Grandma" he says, "I know how old you are, you're 72 years old."
"How did you know that? asks granny.
"And I know how much you weigh, you weigh 115 pounds"
"How did you know that? she asks again.
"And now I know why grandpa left you.................

(showing her the drivers license) You got a "F" in sex!

[piemaker720]

Back Seat Driver


A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

[piemaker720]

Baked Beans


Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

[Isaac-Saxxon]

There was a old bull and a young bull standing on a hill ! The young bull says let us run down that hill jump that fence and get us a cow. The old bull say no boy ! Let us walk down that hill and crawl under the fence and get them all.

[piemaker720]

Don't Lie to Mom


John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.

[AnimeSpirit]

Hey! Does anyone like Rendneck jokes? I've got plenty of them.

[piemaker720]

A Case For The FBI


The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."